Starting over...again.

Sometimes I look at those around me - friends, family, acquaintances, people I don't even know but observe day to day- and get this overwhelming feeling that I'm doing it wrong. "It", meaning this whole life thing. My life feels so drastically different from everything I thought it would be at this age.

I recently ended a relationship that was, in so many ways, everything I wanted. Safety, love, honesty, security....all those things. All those things I've ever wanted for myself and my future. But what do you do when all those things are right in front of you, sitting at your feet, but it just doesn't feel right? Choosing to walk away from that kind of fulfillment is one of the most devastating things I have ever experienced.....and I had to experience it twice to finally accept it.

I sort of hate using the phrase, "It wasn't right." I never understood people who used that as an excuse. But I do now. It's a paralyzing, excruciating kind of pain to wrestle with that conflict of wanting something so badly, but it not feeling right. It's such a vague idea, this whole rightness thing, and I don't want to package all my feelings into that category. But I don't know how else to do it.

I think we hold on to things so tightly, even when we should let go, because we just can't believe that such a miracle could ever happen to us again. Maybe it won't. I don't know. But what I do know is I do not want to feel like I'm in something just because I'm afraid of being out of it. I don't want that for him either. I want more for us...peace, contentment, joy...even if that means us is no longer us. At the end of the day, I don't think that's invalid.

From my perspective, it's so easy for everyone else, this love and marriage thing. You meet, you fall in love, you get married. Done. Simple.

Of course, intellectually I know that's not necessarily true, but within the crumbled walls of my broken heart, I feel that's pretty accurate.

So now I start over. Maybe not right away, but I will. I mean, I don't really have a choice. Things are bleak from my window and hope and faith seem like such b.s. concepts right now. Right now I feel like I'm drowning floating in a big dark ocean, no strength to swim and completely terrified at the unsurety of where I am and where I am going.

This post is a mess. Which is fitting since I'm sort of a mess right now. If you're of the worshipping variety, I could use some prayers if you remember the next time you're at it. Thanks in advance.