Tears were shed in the making of this post.

Things have been rough lately.

I have bummer days and then I have REALLY bummer days.

I'm trying very hard to have a good attitude and outlook on things, my future, etc. But some days it's just too hard to do. It's a lot easier being sad sometimes, ya know?

This is probably really annoying. I mean, more important things are going on in the world than me being lonely. Babies are starving, peoples homes are burning down, and a lot of people don't have jobs. I know. Which makes me feel feeling stupid for complaining.

But this is my life and I'm about to get real here.

Yesterday, my roommate came home early from church. She was noticeably upset. My roommate is 30. She's successful in her job, smart and overall she has her life together. She's started attending a family ward, which she's really enjoyed. But today, when she came home, she started telling me how she's beginning to feel segregated at church, ostracized for being unmarried and without children. She explained to me she wanted to go to a family ward because she was so sick of feeling the pressure of being single. But now they have started planning "Singles FHE" and "Singles Sunday School."

And then she started to cry.

She let out her frustrations with our religion and the culture that comes along with it, especially heightened in Utah. She said she doesn't understand why, because she is not married, she automatically must be grouped with the other 18-65 year old single people in her ward. What does she have in common with an 65 year old single man? Or an 18 year old single girl? If she wanted to have FHE with other single people or attend Sunday School with single people, she would stay in a singles ward.

And as she cried there in our kitchen, I felt sad. Sad for her, sad that she felt so lonely in a place where she should feel the most like she belonged.

I thought about my own situation. 26. Mormon. Not married. Sometimes I too feel that I'm failing at life because I don't have my own family yet. And yes, some days, I envy those women I see walking their little kids to school or pushing strollers at the park. Of course I do. And on days like yesterday, it's particularly hard to be so bombarded with the realization that I'm not where a lot of my peers are in life.

But. But when I'm done crying about it, done being sad about being single again, done second guessing my decision to call off my wedding, I think about what I'm doing and what I've done. I've traveled. I've seen the world. I'm making my own money. I'm taking care of myself. I'm paying my rent. I'm learning about health insurance and how to change the headlights in my car. I'm taking trips with friends and laying out at the pool all Saturday. And most importantly, I'm listening to the spirit and following the answers I get to my prayers and I know Heavenly Father sees the same value in me as the woman next door with three kids. And yes, some days it's harder than others to feel that, but I know it's true. And I know that when I do get married and start having my own kids, I'm going to come to this blog and complain about how tired I am and how hard it is and I'll probably look back and think "I wish I could hop a plane to New York this weekend."

Until then, I'm ok. For whatever reason, I am not meant to fulfill that role yet. But I will and I look forward to that.

But right now I'm going to research restaurants near Central Park because I'll be in New York in about a week.